Today's entry is vaguely about my old ska band. Well, I guess it's a lot about what I'm going to write about, but the interesting part has nothing to do with my band, for sure. But it all started back in the summer of 2008. A friend of the band asked us if the ol' ska band would like to play a cover set at a bachelor party he was throwing for his friend. Well fuck yeah we did! The band built up this set list of covers that the bachelor wanted to hear, and songs we just wanted to play. It was quite a mix of music. We played songs by bands like Unsung Zeros, Motion City Soundtrack, Homegrown, Fall Out Boy, Big D, the Lawrence Arms, Punchline, and the list goes on and on. It was quite a mix of music to be sure. We couldn't get the whole band together for this show, either. So the only members of the band who were playing their normal instruments were Christian (drums) and me (bass). Aside from us, our keyboard player was playing guitar and singing, our trombonist was playing keyboard, and our sax player was also playing guitar, even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't really know how. We were a mess, but I think we practiced enough that the songs became recognizable. Well, cut to the bachelor party. We get there, and it looks like a pretty lame party. I'm looking around and I see a bunch of grown men sitting around playing poker and drinkin' brews. But whatever, it's not my party. I had a good enough time eating free food, and socializing. Other members spent their time making friends with the free booze. It was just a relatively calm get together at this point. It did not stay that way, though. My band's "opening act" made sure of that.
So it's a common occurrence to have strippers at a bachelor party. The groom needs to get in his jollies before he stops having fun forever, or whatever typical males think marriage is about. So these two strippers and the dude they're with come out, and get ready to do their thing. The two girls come out and start up their show. They're doing their lapdances for the dudes sitting in the circle of chairs around them. Okay, sure. No big deal. Well soon enough they're butt naked, and bringing the groom to be over to do stripper things with him. The groom to be is pretty gone by now, and the strippers are getting him on the floor, taking off his pants, and they rip his boxers. Haha, humiliating the groom. Bachelor party antics are hilarious. But then the girls start beating his ass with his own belt. Then they start riding him around like a horse! It's insanity in here, at this point. Naked chicks riding man-horses?! Well, I've never! But all of that pales in comparison to what comes next from these girls. Well, there was probably a bunch of stuff that happened in between the centaur pony rides and what I'm telling you next, but it doesn't compare. So the girls get out their table, and proceed to cover each other in whipped cream. Then they lie down, and tell all the guys to come and lick the whipped cream off their bodies. Soon enough they were surrounded by men licking whipped cream from their bodies. It was horrifying. I thought I was watching some sort of cannibal feast. By this point I was thinking to myself that "stripper" is a very general term, because if I had to classify these lovely (not so much) ladies, I'd probably go with live basement porn actresses. But they did not stop at the people sundaes. Oh no. Next they give the groom a vibrator, stick it in his mouth, fun end out, and one of the chicks gets in position for him. The groom is then instructed to go to town on this girl with the vibrator in his mouth. And of course, being as gone as he was, he did just that. The whole act just consisted of a lot of things that anyone from the third person perspective would consider humiliating to any of the men participating. But I guess the groom did not satisfy the girl enough, because that's when she pulled out the giant, two-headed, pink dildo and had a nice little scissor-fest with her stripper friend. Oh, they just looked like they were having a lovely old time. But after they were done scissor fucking, it was time for the grand finale! Oh boy! One of the strippers found a full bottle of water, twisted off that cap, and stuck the bottle inside herself. Oh yes. And it went all the way in too. She made sure of that. But then she quickly pulled it out, and the most magical spray of water came billowing from her hatchet wound (ew) like the water shooting from the blowhole of the majestic bottlenose dolphin. What. The. Fuck?! Is this commonplace at bachelor parties? I'm far from a bachelor party expert, but I feel like this does not occur all that often. Needless to say, I was cracking up after this occurred. It was just so absurd. Why would she do that?! But what a performance! Bravo, weird chicks!
Afterwards, I couldn't help asking myself "How the hell is my band supposed to follow up this act?" Well, we sure followed up the strippers, but it wasn't an impressive sight. At least 2/5ths of the band was drunk. Possibly, 3/5ths. This was over a year ago. How am I supposed to remember stupid details like that? But we went through our set, forgot lots of parts to lots of songs, ended up playing a Big D song for 10 minutes, because we forgot how it ends. It was a mess, but everyone was drunk, so we sounded great. But who cares about us? After us, an only slightly more experienced cover band performed. They put on a great set, though. Everyone was much more drunk by then, the band was getting much more into the crowd, and there were keg stands in between every song. It ended up being a great time. Then things started wrapping up. The keg stand champion was mostly passed out against a car outside turning his head to the side every 30 seconds to throw up. This was in between him mumbling for someone to take him to the hospital. Nobody took him to the hospital, but he's fine. Happy ending there! But that night, after everything was finished, my ska band decided to break up. Because honestly, how can we ever play a better show than that? Live porn and cover bands? That's when you know you've hit the top. So we broke up, and our last show was a bastardized version of our band playing covers at a bachelor party not open to the public. I know I wouldn't have had it any other way.
Well I am going to consider this a successful entry. And with all of the booze involved, I think it's very appropriate for National Edge Day. Oh yeah, I think a bunch of the party-goers also smoked some weed with the strippers, afterward. So it's even more appropriate for the straightedge holiday that's not real, but some people think is. Oh well, I'm going to go sit in my room alone waiting for love letters to come. I'll see you all tomorrow, even though I doubt that entry will live up to this one. Sweet dreams, honeybunches!
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