Come To The Sabbat! Satan's There!

What's the point of secret tracks on albums? And why do some bands feel the need to put them after obnoxiously long breaks of silence on an album? I guess I can understand a track being secret if it is on an album that has a certain theme or concept throughout the rest of the album that the secret track doesn't follow, but I don't need 30 minutes of silence to understand that we're changing gears. It's just silly, really. But some bands will even tag a secret track onto an album that just sounds like a bunch of songs thrown together. None of the other songs share a theme, but still the secret track needs to be separated. I don't like it, man. No, I do not. The absolute worst is getting the albums where you wait through all the silence only to be disappointed by something that isn't even another song. And yes, I realize that it's pretty easy to skip all of the silence, but on your first listen, you can't skip through. You might miss something! There are also other situations where it's not so easy just to skip through. Like if I'm driving, I can't be fumbling around with my iPod, or my CD player. That shit's dangerous. And most of the time, these secret tracks end up being crap, anyway. It's usually some crappy cover, some joke song that's only funny to the band, or a poorly recorded live song. But that's not to say that there aren't some winners out there, as well. Take the secret track at the end of Propagandhi's new album, Supporting Caste. It's well worth the wait. And yes, it's a joke song, but it actually does the job of making me laugh. There's also the Warped Tour bashing song at the end of Oh! Calcutta! by The Lawrence Arms. It's a great song. The Lawrence Arms are also great at country. I wouldn't be disappointed if they put out a country album, at all. But anyway, the vast majority of secret tracks aren't worth the wait. I'm proud to say that I have never put a secret track on an album I've recorded. I was part of a secret track that a very crappy band that my friends were in once. It was a really terrible metalcore band, and I was at my friend Eric's house helping them record gang vocals. Eric is the drummer. I had fun with the gang vocals recording part, because I'd always yell something different from what the lyrics actually are. I can't recall any specific examples, but believe me, they were hilarious. I'M hilarious. I'd listen to the demo to refresh my memory, but that shit was deleted from my computer years ago. But anyway, I'm getting off topic. Secret tracks. After recording the brutal gang vox, we decided to have a little goofy fun time, I guess. We ended up recording about five minutes of really bad beatboxing, with lines from Doug, Jerry Maguire, Homestar Runner, and whatever else people felt like quoting over the top of it. We thought we were a laugh riot, but really we just weren't funny. But that's not all! After that horrific display of dumb stuff, we thought jokes would bring endless enjoyment to the listeners (Pffft! Ha!) of the demo. And, of course, in a room full of privileged white kids, what kind of jokes were told? That's right! Terribly racist jokes! But it's okay, because we all had a mutual friend that is half black (Groooooan). Not to try and make myself look better, but I was against that idea from the beginning. I did nothing to stop it, though. So I'm pretty guilty too, I guess. But honestly, who thought it'd be a good idea to record a bunch of racist jokes, and put it on the end of your band's demo? It's a damn good thing anyone who ever listened to that demo, never got past the first 30 seconds of the first track. I kind of feel bad about shit talking a band that I wasn't even in, but had members that I am friends with. But I don't actually feel bad, because I'm fairly certain they all feel the same way. Plus, I've been in some terrible bands in my day, too. But I've never made racist bonus tracks for my bands. Although, I did seem to have some sort of irrational prejudice against emo kids. But that's the environment I grew up in, man. I know that doesn't justify my prejudice, but a former ska kid could only be so tolerant of breakup songs that aren't about your girlfriend leaving you for another girl. I listened to really dorky music. Oh well. I don't regret it. In conclusion, secret tracks are for dorks in most cases. That's science, kids.

Alright. I think that was a good enough lesson for all of you today. Don't you think? I'm going to go to bed and read a little before I fall asleep. I have my last Marketing and Morals classes tomorrow! Pretty exciting, eh? I guess I still have to go to the final for Marketing, and I have to write an essay for my Morals class, but no more actual class after tomorrow! And then I just have to present a project on Friday, and I'll be done with World Music classes, as well. What an exciting thing! Alright. Catch you kiddles later!